Have you ever had this feeling that no one cares about you anymore? That no one would cry even if you die? That no one pays attention to help you on your suffering? That no one loves you anymore?
Well, I did too.
I also went through what you’re facing right now. I also cried helplessly and wished myself to die. I also had trouble falling asleep because of the things circling inside my mind that I just can’t brush off. I also felt worthless. I also felt unloved.
Like you, I also dealt with insecurities. I always see myself not good enough. I look through other good-looking people and compare myself with them. I lacked of self-esteem. I lacked of confidence. I always felt envous of people adoring them a lot.
I never tried telling other people about it, because I know no one would understand. What I did was to lock myself inside my room, sit and sulk; thinking on how I end my life. No one even tried to ask me if I’m okay. No one even noticed that I’m dying. No one even cared. Well why would they even care, right? Who am I? I am just someone who fails to live her life the way she wants. I am just someone who likes to disappoint other people. I am just someone who deserves to be hurt and judged. I am just that someone who wouldn’t make any difference even if I’m gone.
But then one day, I woke up with stinging wounds on my arm. Woke up crying… not because it hurts, but because I failed to kill myself again. I looked at myself in the mirror. Smiles are gone, eyes are always crying… “What happened to you?” was the first thing I told my pathetic-looking reaction. That, I realized the biggest mistake I ever did.
It was killing my old happy self.
I realized that no one hurts me more than I did to myself. It was myself who kills me, not the people around me. It’s not them who doesn’t care about me, it’s me who doesn’t care about myself. It’s me who did not love myself.
It was hard overcoming it. But God helped me a lot. And I hope you do too.